What is girl code? Why is it important? Well, as a wise girl once said, "it keeps us from killing each other." I've always that girl code was an important part of life, I still do. The first time I truly recognized as it something of importance is when someone close to me broke it. I looked at her differently and it changed our relationship. If it changed for the better or worse, that depends on how you look at. But that moment changed a lot for me and me realize how important girl code truly is.
Visualize it in your mind and decide what you would do in this situation. It’s the last week of school; you see him sitting there and you know what you have to do. You’ve been crushing on this guy for over half the school year and this is your last chance. All right; it’s go time: you see him get up, and you slowly, but surely, make your way over to him. You tap his shoulder, smile, and make small talk before getting to the heart of the matter. This is your moment: “Hey, so I was wondering if we could hang out this weekend.”
His attention is now laser focused on you. “Oh, you mean like a date?”
Okay, this is going well. “Yeah, we could go to a movie or to a restaurant or...” You trail off because now he’s shaking his head. That’s when you know it’s coming, that crushing rejection that you were already expecting is upon you.
“I can't, I’m sorry but I have a girlfriend. Actually, she’s right over there.” You turn your head to look at the girl who you just know is prettier than you, but when you lay eyes on the girl in question, you feel something completely different. The feelings of rejection and sadness have been replaced with betrayal and shock. Your best friend, the one who knew about your crush, teased you mercilessly, and convinced you it would be a good idea to go for him, is his girlfriend as of yesterday. Do you:
a.) Congratulate them and wish them well.
b.) Tell her you are no longer friends.
c.) Maintain your friendship and never again reveal anything personal about yourself.
d.) Tell her she broke girl code and force her to pick between the guy and you.
e.) Sweep the whole situation under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.
What would you do in a situation like this? Remember, this situation is one hundred percent possible, so don't answer what you think you should do, answer what you would actually do. Girl code was intended to prevent these types of situations and spare women unnecessary heartbreak.
The code by which our women operate is a silent code hardwired into our core beings. Girl code travels everywhere we go and is sometimes the reason for the drama in our lives. High school: those drama-filled four years of your life train you in more ways than anyone can possibly imagine, and it’s one place where no one escapes unscathed. Whether your best friend is dating your ex, or you went out with your friend's crush, the code has always and will continue to be a part of our lives, whether it be in high school or the real world. So how does one survive in high school or the world beyond? You just have to break down the code.
What is girl code? You could say that it’s just a bunch of unspoken rules that females automatically follow because they just know they’re supposed to. But that’s not exactly true. The code can be taught, it can be learned, but it’s not automatic. Truth be told, the whole idea is left to interpretation, and it changes throughout generations.
Sitting in a stark white room at a round table, eighteen-year-old Kat O’Neil and I talked about what girl code means to her. As her eyes wander around the room, I try my best to keep up with her fast pace. “Girl code to me is this thing where, basically, a girl doesn’t even have to talk to another girl to indicate that she likes somebody or to ‘get your hands off my man that I don't have but I really want.’” Now, just because this is how Kat interprets girl code, does that mean this is the absolute definition? Well, 32-year-old Ebony Miller interprets girl code just a little bit differently: “To me, girl code would be just having that respect and integrity for other women and for yourself. And having morals as well, like it should be natural to know how to treat other women and yourself.”
Eighteen and thirty-two is quite the age difference. There’s a lot of wisdom to be gained in fourteen years, wisdom Ebony has that Kat may not have achieved yet. But both of their individual interpretations have the same underlying message: have a mutual respect for your fellow women.
As we all know, respect is earned, not given; just like girl code is learned, not automatic. It’s like a skill that lies dormant inside you until the right or wrong situation arises that triggers the codes inside you. Something has to happen, for the codes to be recognized, so what exactly does that entail? It’s different for everyone and for some, like Kat, it was a bit harder. Kat slid her glance toward her feet, recalling the moments that girl code resonated with her. “I just figured it out on my own, kind of, because I had a situation all through fourth grade all about girl code and I was like, ‘Okay I guess I get it now.’ I didn't have any friends because I didn't understand the code. Then I finally did and that’s when I became my own woman.” In elementary school, Kat had to learn girl code the hard way because sometimes it takes awhile for the codes to click in our heads. And because of that, it took her a while to make female friends. Thirty-four-year-old Jameelah Bashir responded differently than Kat when asked who taught her about girl code. She replied that nobody taught her, “it just came [naturally] when you have a group of girlfriends.” This code can be taught and learned from other women around you, but if you have more male friends than female friends, it might take awhile for the codes to sink in. But if that’s the case, should girl code continue to be acknowledged by women, or is it outdated?
“I think it should be acknowledged because when you’re oblivious like I was, it kind of makes it really hard to make friends and to understand other girls’ feelings. I mean there are some girls who are really into being friends with other guys; usually it’s because they don't understand and they need someone that also doesn’t understand, so they go for guys, which makes a lot of sense.” I looked at Kat thinking that she was completely right on some level. One of the reasons girls have a lot of male friends could be that they don't fully understand the code, and having someone around that the code doesn’t apply to is really liberating. The pressure of having to follow these unspoken rules is large. So as a full-grown woman, should you still acknowledge the codes of your childhood? “Absolutely!” Ebony exclaims, “I believe that it’s every woman's responsibility to conduct themselves in a certain way; to treat others the way they want to be treated.” Girl code is a sacred bond of trust that shouldn’t be broken; treat others how you wish to be treated. That’s a code that should be recognized by all people, not just women.
The code is there to prevent us from hurting each other, but sometimes we end up with that one friend who breaks the code. So, is it worth it to be mad, or does it hurt when someone close to us breaks the code? Jameelah responds that not only does it hurt, but it changes the relationship. Speaking from her own experience, she says, “Yes,[it hurt] and it broke a trust I had with them. I forgave them, but the relationship wasn't the same.” The code may be a bunch of unspoken rules, but they are rules in place for a reason. As Kat began to answer if one of her friends hurt her by breaking the code, her eyes wandered all around the room, darting away from me, as she ran her nails on the desk. “Definitely yes, it was definitely shocking. It’s not really hurtful at first, it’s more shocking than anything. It’s kind of like ‘Wow, I just can't believe you just did that. You’re my friend and that happened.’ I felt more shocked than anything and then the hurt finally came and then the tears and everything. Really, exactly how I expected it to be.” Getting hurt by someone you trust is one of the worst pains someone can possibly feel, but just because we get hurt doesn’t mean we’re not guilty of hurting others.
When we’re hurt by the people we care about, that sucks. Of course, then you know that they’ll reap consequences, whether it be from you or the universe; we know it will happen. Naturally the same goes for the reverse; if you break girl code then you will reap consequences in some form or another. When asked if she had ever broken girl code and what the consequences were, Kat replied, “I think so because the girl that liked the guy that I liked, really liked him; and I would tell her about the stuff that we would do sometimes, and I think she was mildly jealous of what I had told her. It doesn’t matter now because she’s dating him, but I asked her and she said, ‘Yea I was a little bit jealous.’ So I think I did, mildly, but I still did. And the guy I liked fell for my best friend, that’s what happened.” Not only did she break girl code in the favor of a guy, but the consequence that she reaped was losing the guy, to her best friend no less. Breaking the code always has a consequence, whether it comes right away or weeks away, a punishment is coming. But once you break the code, should you feel regret? “Honestly, not really because I don't think we would have worked out anyways,” says Kat. Looking on the brighter side of situations does help us with feelings of regret, sometimes to the point of not feeling regret at all.
But then you have to wonder, why it is that girls break girl code in the first place? I mean, really, what is the number one reason girls break the sacred codes? “A man. Jealousy,” says Jameelah. When a guy has a girl questioning if girl code is really worth it, that’s how you know she’s about to break it. I sometimes don't get it, why do girls break girl code when they know they shouldn’t? “... It’s like that feeling of when you're on a diet,” Kat begins her analogy,“and it’s kind of like, ‘You know, I can't eat this but I really want to, and I know what it’s gonna do, but I still really want to.’ And I think that’s just the only reason why we do it, it’s because we know it’s going to happen, we know people are going to get mad at us, but it’s just we’re in that moment.” I guess that’s just the truth of it; we know it’s wrong but we’re just caught up in the moment. It’s not until the deed is done that we feel the aftershock.
It’s hard to follow rules that we can't see or sometimes can't even remember; let’s just break it down, shall we. “Times have changed. I’m 32 but I know the first thing for me and my girlfriends was never to date each other’s boyfriends. That was our number one rule; I felt like my friend, whoever she dates that’s her personal life and her business. And my boyfriends are my business so we never shared boyfriends, that was off limits,” says Ebony, reminded of her years growing up. Another rule she felt was important to establish was to not date the “ brothers. Like I didn’t believe in dating my girlfriends’ brothers. Nor did my brothers date any of my friends.” The last code she stated is definitely an all-important code that both Kat and Jameelah agree with, and that is loyalty. Loyalty among girls is so important because when you break girl code, you break your loyalty, and that breaks the trust in the relationship. Once trust is gone, the relationship will never be the same.
The codes are in place to keep the trust between us women, but is that a justifiable reason to have this unspoken code of honor? Kat states, “The reason for girl code is so we don't end up killing each other,” she starts with a straight face trying not to laugh. “I think we need to have this little telepathy thing between us women and I think it is justifiable because I don't want blood on my hands and I don't think anyone else does either. So, I’m glad that we have this little secret thing that we women have.” Aside from the bloodshed she speaks of, she’s right. The code exists as a way for us to communicate without actually talking. I’m not the first to say or notice that all girls don't like each other; that’s where the code comes in. What is girl code? It’s something where we don't have to talk to each other, we just have to have a mutual respect for each other. It’s having a mutual respect for our fellow women and not falling into the stereotype of backbiting and scheming. Girl code allows us to all coexist in a peaceful state. Samurais had a code of honor and so do girls; our code isn’t written but we follow it just the same. As long as we have that, we’ll be a step closer to rising above all the petty drama of the world and changing it for the better. That’s girl code.
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